Dad Tips

I am infintitely happy to be a part of LBH's (little baby Hagans) creation process. It's an amazing thing to watch Angela go through these first parts of pregnancy, and I am sure it will only get more unbelievable as we go. Being unable to carry a child myself, I try to be as involved as I can in whatever parts of the pregnancy I'm able. This is why I was initially very excited to read in the prengancy books things called "Dad Tips."

These tips usually come in the form of a text box inserted in a corner of the page, and are generally about three sentences long. When I first came across one, I thought, "Great! Something for me to be involved in!" Well, let's just say I was a bit disappointed. Each of these tips is not so much a way to get involved, as it is a way to pamper, please and generally spoil as much as humanly possible your wife. I'm not against being helpful, in fact I try as hard as possible to make life easier for Angela now that she's pregnant. But the idea that a book should be telling me to do things for my wife, whom I love and care for ALL the time, is just insulting. Here is just one example of one I recently read: "Try helping out with household tasks without being asked. This could be as simple as vacuuming, taking out the trash, or washing the dishes". How exactly does this get me involved in the pregnancy/birthing process? Sounds more like advice for a surly teenager than an adult male who's in a lasting and respectful relationship.

In case you're wondering, yes, women wrote these books.

Because these tips have been a source of frustration, I've decided to one-up them. I have come up with 5 of my own Dad Tips. I figure, if they're going to be so blatantly focused on the mom's every pleasure, why not go whole-hog?

1) Rub your wife’s feet with swedish massage oils and her favorite Arabian scented perfume. When you are done, lift her from place to place so that she doesn’t have to walk on them for at least ½ hour afterward, and when seated continuously fan her with a palm frond. Also don't forget buy her new shoes that won't hide her freshly buffed and polished toenails (also your job, dad).

2) Build a marble monument in her honor in the front lawn. It should convey all the torture you have put her through, while at the same time conveying the courage and humility with which she has made this noble self-sacrifice. See if you can get the army color guard to come do a 21 gun salute to kickoff it’s unveiling. This monument will be important in setting a good example later, when training your children to please their mother at all costs.

3) Sell a kidney to buy your wife expensive jewelry you might not otherwise be able to afford (note: be sure to REFRAIN from complaining about missing kidney...or anything else for that matter).

4) When your wife has morning sickness, be sure to provide her with water, mouthwash, and other items to freshen up immediately (don't forget to carry her from the bathroom if you are still in the foot massage 1/2 hour window). When she is done and has left the bathroom, induce vomiting yourself. Be sure to vomit at least as long as your wife did, and after you are done eat some dirt to ensure you continue to stay as nauseous as your wife. Better yet, you should be sicker than she is whenever possible because your sickness is voluntary, and hers is all your fault anyway.

5) Create an Altar of Awesomeness dedicated to your wife and take out a full page ewspaper ad that extolls her virtues. This ad should be in color, have pre-pregnancy pictures of your wife, and should be certain to note all of her wonderful qualities. It should also note that she has no faults despite the fact that she lives with such a flawed and degenerate person such as you. Her resiliency in dealing with you is of utmost importance in this ad. Frame this ad when done, and present it at the altar of awesomeness you have created for your wife. Optional: Sacrifice two live bulls, a goat and several chickens in her honor.